I'm Tired
by CBloom2
Summary: A bit of angst and comfort for our boys - you wouldn't expect anything less from me would you? Based on the last scene with Ethan in last nights fab episode.


**So, how good was last night's episode? I felt so bad for Ethan and the last scene of him finding out that the body on the table was that man he was talking to earlier nearly finished me off! So me being me and because I was a little disappointed over the lack of the brother's together (especially as Ethan was struggling so much) I figured it was my duty as an angsty Ethan author to write this. Hope you like it.**

 **As usual I don't own anyone that you recognise they belong to the BBC.**

 **I'm Tired.**

Ethan staggered out of the room that held the body of the poor man that had come to him earlier in the day looking for help, but had unfortunately not received the support that he had so desperately needed.

The young doctor's heart was pounding and his breaths were coming out in short, harsh pants. As the door swung closed behind him, he stumbled and would have fallen if not for the pair of hands that caught him, "Ethan?"

Ethan looked up, blinking hard, "My god Ethan, what's wrong?"

"Everything," the younger man cried.

"Come on, you're going to sit down and have a rest, you've been on your feet for hours," the older man insisted as he supported his brother to the staff room without argument.

Once he had sat him down, he proceeded to make him a cup of tea. While he was waiting for the kettle to boil, he watched his brother closely. It didn't take a genius to realise that the young doctor was completely exhausted. Cal already knew this however, due to the fact that he had heard his brother up and about at all hours of the night as he had been unable to sleep properly since the case involving Jess and her daughter Olivia. Cal gulped as he noticed the slight tremor in his brother's hands that were carding through his unkempt hair as he leaned his elbows on the counter top, his mind working overtime.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he ventured.

"No!"

"Fine."

"No, it's not fine. It's anything but fine..." Ethan retorted. "I thought I'd had the shift from hell last week, but this...this was worse..."

Cal stayed silent, knowing that his little brother was about to explode.

"I had to beg...to beg for a bed so that a 82 year old woman with only hours to live could die with some sort of dignity and not just be left on the corridor to rot. There was also a man..." he choked as he remembered the talk earlier. Cal, who had now finished making the tea, sat down next to him and placed an gentle hand on his arm.

"This man came in this morning and showed me a note - his own suicide note. He was so lost. His wife and son died last year in a crash...I managed to find a private room so we could talk...he began to open up to me a little, then Connie interrupted to tell me that I was needed on the 'shop floor'. She told me that I wasn't a psychologist - I was a doctor and there were patients that needed treating. But I was already treating a patient Cal...she wouldn't listen. I advised him to book in at reception so that we could spend some time with him, getting the support that he needed..." Ethan dropped his head, "But he didn't. He was in that room Cal, on the bed - a blanket covering him - he'd thrown himself under a bus...I missed the signs at just how depressed he was!"

Cal squeezed his brother's shoulder as he saw a tear trail down him face, "Oh Ethan, I'm sorry," was all Cal could think to say.

"I wanted to go home this morning. Lily told me to see Connie and ask if I could go home...and for the first time in my career, I wanted to do just that," Ethan told him as he stared at his tea.

"That's not like you," Cal replied.

"I'm so tired of it all Cal. I'm tired of being a screw up. I can't seem to get anything right any more - I miss everything!" he exclaimed as he once more ran a hand through his hair.

"No Ethan. Just no! You are not a screw up, as you call it. Never have been, never will be. You are one of the best doctors around...after me of course," Cal finished with a smirk. That had the effect that he was after, Ethan chuckled a little.

"Look Ethan, I know what this is really about. I'm sure I can tell you until I'm blue in the face that what happened to Olivia was not your fault, but you have to believe it yourself."  
"That's just it Cal - I don't believe it. I can't sleep because when I close my eyes all I can see is her face, asking me why I let her down..."

Cal got to his feet and put his arms around his brother, rocking him gently as tremors ran through the younger man's body.

Eventually, Ethan pulled away, wiping his eyes, "I'm sorry about the waterworks, I guess I'm more tired than I thought..."

Before Cal could reply, the staff room door opened to reveal an equally weary Clinical Lead, "Ah, there you are. I just wanted to say great work today boys - both of you. I know I can always count on you to step up when needed," she paused to watch Ethan's face. She glanced at Cal, concern for the younger man evident. Cal shook his head ever so slightly, so Connie carried on, "Ethan, I meant what I said earlier in Resus - you are an asset to this department and don't you forget it! You saved that girls life earlier, against all odds. Things have settled down now so I want you to both go home and get some rest. I want you here bright and early in the morning," she flashed one of her rare smiles as she closed the door behind her.

"You saved a girls life today Ethan - I knew you were being to hard on yourself little brother, even the ice queen paid you a compliment."

Ethan smiled, although it didn't reach his eyes.

As they got changed, Ethan turned to Cal, "What did you want to talk about?"

"Huh?" Cal felt his stomach sink.

"You sent me a text earlier, said we needed to talk - what about?"

Cal knew that at that moment in time, Ethan's vulnerable state could not sustain another hit, "Oh it's nothing...it'll keep."

 **So Cal's still not telling. I'm sure it's going to hit the fan big time when Ethan finds out, especially as both Cal and Charlie have known since Christmas.**

 **Hope it was ok - until next time.**


End file.
